In the Moment

Part 2 will be finished soon- still overcoming a bit of PTSD... In the meantime, take a listen to a few short podcasts from one of my favorite shows, Radiolab.

In the Running
Diane Van Deren is one of the best ultra-runners in the world, and it all started with a seizure.  In this short, Diane tells the story on how her disability gave rise to an extraordinary ability.
After listening, part of me wishes I could remove the parts of my brain that created self-doubt, pain, laziness, and followed the passage of time.  But since I'd rather not shave my head and have people pick at my brain, I guess I'll have to work to shut those parts down when they're inconvenient.

The Loneliness of the Goalkeeper
Jad and Robert present a piece from across the pond--a piece about soccer they fell in love with when they heard it at the Third Coast festival in Chicago.
I heard this when Radiolab first podcasted it in February.  Knowing so many Goalkeepers (for hockey, anyways) it was an exciting look into their perspective on the game.  Now that I'm training as one, I re listened to the piece... and I'm still digesting.  


And just for giggles- Fred:

Ferrets *love* hockey smell- one of the only scents less tolerable than ferret.  :-)

Belleh!  Toe beans!  Upsidedown Face!  It's the cute tri-fecta!

Without a Rudder

Ever feel directionless?  Like you're floating?  Not in the "happy cloud" way, but in the "I don't know where I'm going and I don't have the energy to care" way?  I've kinda got that feeling right now.  Hence why the post-silence.  I don't feel drained or depressed.  I do plenty of things just fine, but it's not easy to gather motivation.  Offer me a choice and I don't really care- sometimes I'll pick one just to move forward, but I don't have a strong inclination towards... well... anything.  It's been long enough that I need to DO something to snap out of it, but what?

Have you ever been in this mood?  Any suggestions?

Pineland Farms Trail Running Festival- 5k

Saturday promised to be a beautiful, if warm, day.  Five of us piled into Puma's car to head to Pineland Farms for the Saturday events: 10k, 5k Canicross, 5k, and Barefoot 5k.  We'd have representation in all but the Canicross, a 5k run with your doggie.  Puma, having just come off a 5 day through hike, would be taking the day off and enjoying the festival.

Me, Mrs. Strong, My Runner, and GB (photo by Puma- thx!)

And festival it was!  Tents with food, beer, free-bees, and music were spread out in the grove on campus.  Farmland, mostly hay fields, rolled out around us, inter-spaced with shady wooded areas.  There were dogs a-plenty, some ready to race, some just kickin' around.  Start and finish for all races were in this grove.

Mrs. Strong was participating in the 10k, starting an hour before the other events, and we got her registered and in line just in time.  Thank goodness the race started late!  Since the Muddy Moose where she ran 14 miles for the first time, Mrs. Strong has been running with her neighbor and, while rushed to get started, seemed very confident in her abilities.

Mrs. Strong, putting her sneakers on at the starting line

Shortly after the 10k, the Canicross event started.  I think they wanted all the poochies off the course when the other 5k events begin.  It was fun to see all the different kind of dogs that were running.  From huge labs to tiny terriers, just about every type of dog was represented.  Personalities of the dogs matched the owners, as the elite runners moved to the front, and their competitive dogs barked, jumped, and pranced.

Canicross start.  That little pup almost got hisself CHOMPED.

The 5k start was next.  I'm the only one participating in this, with My Runner and GB both participating in the Barefoot 5k, starting 10 minutes after mine.  This is the first run I've done in 6 weeks.  Other than one hockey game and a couple of workout videos, I haven't moved since April 24th, the day I tore my left ankle to shreds.  My goal was to finish uninjured and see if I would be able to participate in tomorrow's 25k.

::Hugs::

My Runner sees me to the starting line.  I'm nervous, but ready to get out there.  I feel good, despite the MASSIVE hangover I woke up with.  My ankle is in check, and as long as I don't space out, I should be able to run these trails without falling.

I am SO. OUT. OF. SHAPE.  I walked about 30% of the race.  Running alone isn't my favorite, but not many folks were into chatting.  Still, the scenery was pretty, and I was focused on scanning the trail for potential hazards.  The elite runners in the barefoot start passing me just before mile 2, and as the course folds back in on itself I see My Runner and GB.

Waving and smiling, all I could think was, "don't let them catch you."  That motivated me.  That and trying not to get my picture taken while I was walking (fail, see below)

See that ripped dude behind me?  Yeah, he's running.  Not this girl.

Still, they were a bit behind, and I was getting winded.  I "ultra walked" the hills to conserve and catch my breath.  Then I'd walk the flats.... that was an ego blow.  Chatting with another 5ker who was not used to hills helped pass the time, but as more and more Barefooters passed me, and as I got closer to the finish line, I kicked it in gear (not high gear- don't have that one right now... just not neutral).  Finished the race in 34:38.

Mrs. Strong had come in shortly after I started at 1:05:28- an excellent time.  The Barefooters came in 26:09/10, yes, less than 2 minutes behind me.  Was happy to catch this bit of action:

Boys....

In my good days, an 11 minute mile would have made me sad.  Saturday, I was happy to have finished feeling good, and even happier that Smuttynose had sponsored the race, offering unlimited free beer to runners.  I still wasn't sure participating in the 25k was a good idea, but it was at least still an option.

Hockey Revival

Monday night I played hockey for the first time in 6 weeks.  I wore the ankle brace Mrs. Strong lent me, and I brought my game.  My ankle did ok- it was a little swollen by the end of the night, but the indoor rink was clocking in at about 85 degrees and I blame the heat as much as the usage.

Boy am I out of shape.  I huffed and puffed up and down that rink.  My soul was yearning to play, so I worked through my "exhaustion," but I can tell I have a lot of work to do to get back to where I was.

"Elevating my ankle" at a Hood Park game

HOWEVER.  The last 6 weeks I've been watching hockey.  A LOT of hockey.  Nerd Herd games, roller hockey at the Hood Park Hockey League, NHL finals...  Damn, I'd watch peewee hockey if I was standing next to it.  And I think the watching really improved my skill.  I watched the mistakes we made over and over.  I saw how good plays were set up, and how to foil a play the other team is making.  It was proven empirically, over and over, that just taking shots will eventually work; no need to get all fancy.

Before my injury, I'll admit, I was getting tired of hockey.  I felt like my team was out of joint and disconnected, that I was playing poorly, and that it was taking up time I could be doing other things.  6 weeks of watching has cured me!  Monday's game lit the fire in my belly.  I feel like I played positionally pretty well, even managing to get a few shots on net.

I still have plenty of room for improvement.  I've got to start running again soon, or at least doing cardio so my body is in shape for sprinting.  I still need to work on my basic hockey skills like stick handling and catching passes.  I'm feeling the motivation to improve- finally.... something I've been missing from my life for a while.

Investment

from toothpastefordinner.com

Lately (ok, for a while now), I haven't really had any investment in my job.  While the paycheck and the hours are good, I'm not putting a lot into it because I don't feel like I get rewarded for working hard.  So I spend my time hardly working, or doing the minimal, then get frustrated when deadlines appear out of nowhere and I have a million things to do on a Friday.

This weekend I was visiting my cousins at my aunt's house and one of them (who successfully operates a local outlet of a national insurance company) asked me about my job.  I don't like to talk about my job because I don't enjoy it and I don't want to sound like a complainer.  So I said something like, "Eh, it's a job."  She's not one to be put off, however, and pressed for further information.  The more I got into it, the more she pointed to what I could do to change what I didn't like.

What?  It's not MY fault that I don't get merit-based raises.  That I do the work of 2-3 people.  They'd NEVER hire another person to take responsibilities.  Despite my negative attitude, she carried on, suggesting methods I could use to prioritize my work and prove that other functions of my job are wasteful.  Her point, which I finally came around to (god I'm stubborn about advice) was that even if nothing changed, I would learn skills necessary for position advancement here or elsewhere, and if I did decide to leave after all that, I could explain in detail the work that I did to improve the operation.  I would leave with a legitimate reason.  If I left now, the best I could say is that it's too much work- not the makings of a great candidate for anything, really.

I hate to admit when I'm wrong, especially when it means that I was ALSO lazy and irresponsible... but I'm wrong.  I've been using childish excuses to hate my job.  Spending 9 hours a day shirking responsibility isn't really the best use of my time.  I may never LOVE my job, and that's ok, but that doesn't mean I can't spend the work day growing as a person.  It's better than spending 9 hours a day surfing the internet and complaining.  That's what half the people do here, and I detest them for it.  I don't want to be that.

So, if it's all about goals and expectations, what are those for me?  My long-term goal is to make a case for this position to advance to the level of "Director" instead of "Coordinator."  This would allow for a salary increase based on pay scale and the elevation in title would translate better when looking for other jobs.  It would also make a case for having another position, even if it's part time, in the department.  My short-term goal is to accomplish my work within deadlines.  This is more of an attitude adjustment- to actually DO work rather than put it off.

My expectations are to get out of this job what I put into it.  Minimal effort will equal minimal satisfaction.  I already know I'm not motivated on a day-to-day basis by a paycheck (though I am motivated to do a minimal amount to keep GETTING a paycheck).  I know when I have a good day and accomplish a lot I do feel a sense of satisfaction and ::gasp:: fulfillment.  I can't expect a merit-based raise, a bonus, or other financial reward.  With my current management, even a pat on the back is rare.

The key to all of this is motivation.  What's going to motivate me at the end (or the beginning, or the middle) of the day to do work that I don't really find enjoyable?  Being able to cross a task off a list?  eh.  I'm not a big "list maker;"  I'll make a list and then never look at it.  A vague sense of satisfaction?  That'll last maybe a day.  Knowing that, long term, I'm doing the right thing?  Ha!  Have you MET me??  So, this is what I'm missing.  What will KEEP me motivated?  By nature I'm lazy (even though I hate that about myself, I know it to be true).  My work ethic is sub-par, and I hate feeling like someone else is telling me I have to do things.  Because, you know, I'm 10.

Trying to keep my goals and expectations in mind will help.  But other than that, I'm not sure how to stay motivated.  I know I don't want to use food or purchases as reward (since being fat and poor also won't make me happy).  How do you stay motivated at work, or doing tasks you hate?  If you're a "worker," what is it about completing the task that makes you feel so good?